you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
