Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
