i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You can't special order awesome
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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