omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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