just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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