i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
