Life is so much better after having sex.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
