hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
