yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
