I could make wine with my vomit
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
