Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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