mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
