Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
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