AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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