I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
