so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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