I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
