No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
