so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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