I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
