i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize