you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
