I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
