Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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