i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
