Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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