Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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