I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
