why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
