I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
