I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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