i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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