bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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