I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
