Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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