She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
