Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize