What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize