You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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