Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
