Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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