Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
