I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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