I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
