nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
