ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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