Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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