Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
