I just pynch a tree in the face
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Randomize
