$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
