What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
