I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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