she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
