Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
