We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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