doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
