So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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