he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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