i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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