Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
