um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
