I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
