the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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