I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
